• and she definitely want to try it → and she definitely wanted to try it (since you used the past tense in the first part of the sentence as well ; otherwise it would've have to have been "she wants to try it")

Haaaan, mais c'te faute, c'la honte XD Il était pas 2h du mat, pourtant !

• she past the door → Past = passé, opposite of future vs. passed = past tense of "to pass" (t'as déjà fait l'erreur, je crois) ; ici ça devrait être "She passed through the door", parce que sinon elle marche à côté.

Oh boy, c'est vrai que j'ai déjà fait la faute, ça craint XD Merci !
*thumbs up pour l'astérisque* 8D

• But she wasn't sleeping right before they ended up here, right? → You have to use the past perfect with temporal verbs like "before", so : But she had not slept before they ended up here, right?

• Okay, no hint is to expect from the guy, I guess. → Okay, (I) shouldn't expect any hints from that/this guy, I guess : That because you refer to someone that is there, and not an unknown entity you haven't previously mentioned. In other words, it's known information (that) vs. new information (the) ; and otherwise, the construction is awkward. If you wanna keep it, it has to be "No hint is to be expected from that/this guy" but still sounds quite heavy.

For the room : It's gonna be fucking hard to explain what they look like XD I'm not sure I got it right, but we'll improvise if we get it wrong or it's impossible to establish without drawing it out. (Or designing it, hahaha.)

Tutafé d'accord pour les rooms. On n'y arrivera jamais avec 4 lignes anyway XD

• she'd forgotten again about the portal gun → word order: "she'd forgotten about the portal gun again" OR "she'd again forgotten about the portal gun" (me prefers the first one)
• to let them cross → [any mechanism] that would allow them to cross / that would let them cross

J'ai tellement l'impression d'avoir écrit un truc plein de fautes, right now ><
And hooooow difficult it is to RP avec une perte de mémoire aussi rapide XD (Mais c'est très marrant !

Même pas 8D

• she figured its purpose out → she figured out its purpose

Je sais jamais où le foutre, ce out XD Vu qu'on dit "to figure things out" (enfin je crois xD) ben je suis toujours perdue avec ce verbe :p

• Without second thought → "without a second thought" (You don't need the article in the plural, f.e. "Not having second thoughts, are you?")
• Unknown had a look behind → "Unknown looked behind it" or just "Unknown had a quick look"

8D

• she asked only → she only asked
• before five minutes ago → before the last five minutes

Amagad, tout ce temps déjà ?! =.=
I'm so sorry D8

• discovered an in-wall → whot u mean, bruv?*

*What do you mean, brother?

Je voulais parler de l'intérieur du mur, mais maintenant je me rends compte de la confusion XD "in-wall" ça veut dire à l'intérieur d'un truc entouré de murs, right, pas vraiment l'intérieur d'un mur xD /SPIF/

Nan en fait je pense que ça veut rien dire du tout XD J'ai prit ça comme "elle a découvert un truc derrière le mur" au final. Mais j'aurais pu le prendre comme "isolation" ? Tu voulais dire l'intérieur comme quand ils étaient entre deux murs au début du RP ?

• sparkles → A sparkle is like... from a diamond, from a star, bling-bling, cute. A spark is from electricity, which I think you mean here since you mentioned a factory. But if you meant sparkles, nevermind me !
• They stood now on a footbridge → They now stood on [...] (word order)

Han mais j'ai même pas pensé à aller vérifier, chuis con >.> J'ai cru qu'on était seulement passées au travers, au final XD /BIM/

I meant "sparks" indeed 8D
Gah. Word order. Kills me every time x.x I'm struggling hard with where to put those little words in sentences XD But I'll never quit trying
:459*:

"Well then, she was to ask directly." → Not sure of that one. J'ai l'impression d'entendre ce genre de formulation dans des séries ou films, genre "You are to do something". Mais c'est peut-être juste du langage familier parce que d'un point de vue grammatical, chuis vraiment pas sûre que ça passe à l'écrit XD

• So she wasn't going to have any answer this way → "any" usually presupposes a plural, so answers. And to "have an answer" is something you use in the context "She has an answer for everything", but here she wants to receive an answer from Noah, so it's best to use "she wasn't going to get/receive any answers this way". (Even though good grammar dictates not to use "to get" anywhere because it's too familiar. One of those words you can put anywhere and which means everything 8D)
• since she obviously should know how she got there in the first place → "since she obviously should've known how she got here in the first place" (just tenses here + "here" since she's referring to where they are now at this moment and not another place).
• Well then, she was to ask directly → The "was to/were to" thing is only used for hypothetical situations in the future (ex. "If Noah were to ask you out... would you accept ?" or "If you are to do that, then..." (si.../tu...)). This is not that situation, so just same tense as before : "Well, then she was going to be direct" / "She would ask him immediately". Ah yes, that reminds me that "directly" doesn't translate like "directement". Immediately is a more correct translation. Directly is usually foooor.... hmm.... It's not related to time as much ? More like a direction/path ? Like... (ok I had to look up example sentences here cause I couldn't come up with any ! XD) "He shot it directly into the garbage can" / "The path leads directly to the lake". But apparently that's more of an American English thing cause the Brits like to use it in a more "He'll be here directly, sir." way. So take from that whatever you want ! o/
• I have ten minutes memory, tops → I have a ten-minute memory or I have ten minutes of memory (FYI, both make her sound like a robot ! XD)

Alright, thank you so much XD Pis j'ai bien rigolé au passage, merci XD

• She stared at him with disbelief → in disbelief
• is there something I should be careful about? → "be careful of something" in this context
• Just to known → typo : know.

Rhoo, prépo et typo xD /BIM/

Rieeeeeeeen !